Cupid's Heels
by fredesrojo
Summary: Tale of Two Shepards Valentine's Oneshot, in which A.J. demonstrates her mind's endless capacity to pervert any situation. JIBBS, A.J./McGee, and the tiniest hint of Tiva.  If you squint, really hard, on a moonless night while wearing Coke-bottle glasses


**_A/n: Not an explicit fic, per-se, but let's just say that there's quite a few euphemisms in here that aren't for the faint of heart, or the pure of mind._**

**_Think, like...oh, fifth sub-floor of the sewer level._**

**_And yes, I realize I haven't updated anything in ages. I'm working on it. Really. You can ask MissJayne.

* * *

_**

Jenny Shepard gave the card and bottle of bourbon sitting on her desk a searching look when she arrived in her office, setting her jacket and briefcase aside as she picked it up, tracing over the cutesey bow and card combo tied to the neck.

It was Valentine's, so gifts and flowers and the like were to be expected, but few people knew of her bourbon addiction.

Jethro had woken her with a bouquet of orchids and breakfast in bed, so unless he was going for extra brownie points…

She slipped a finger under the flap of the heart-shaped card, green eyes running over the poem inscribed inside.

_Roses are red,_

_Violets are blue,_

_If you expected flowers…_

_Sucks to be you._

Definitely not Jethro or Ziva, then. She sank down in her chair, reaching over to pick up the phone and dialing a number from memory.

* * *

A.J. Shepard grinned up at her boyfriend as he slipped skillfully through the crowded coffee shop and sank down at the two-top, depositing their drinks and a plate with a croissant. "Thanks, babe."

"No problem." Tim glanced around a little warily, taking in all the red and pink décor. "Looks like Cupid pulled a Technicolor yawn in here."

"Sickeningly sweet, isn't it?" She smirked, slicing the croissant in half and dunking it in her coffee. "Though your Cupid impersonation this morning was cute, Casanova."

He grinned and rolled his eyes, buttering the other half of the flaky pastry calmly. "I didn't hear you complaining." He raised his voice in a breathy imitation. "Yes, Tim, yes! Oh, more Tim, more, please!"

The smirk fell off her face instantly. "I did not sound like that."

"Mmhmmm." Tim remained silent, sipping his coffee contentedly.

A.J. scowled and returned to her own coffee when her phone rang. "Shepard."

"_Cute poem."_

She grinned. "Ah, so you found the bottle, then?"

"_Hilarious. Any particular reason why you left a Valentine's gift on my desk?"_

"Our annual S.A.D. tradition, of course!"

"_Not to point out the obvious, A, but we're both definitely __**not **__single."_

A.J. shrugged. "Pohtayto, pohtahto. C'mon, it'll be fun."

Jenny paused on the other end of the line, sighing. _"A.J…I had something planned with Jethro."_

"Hm. Well, then, invite him over for dinner. We'll make a double-date out of it."

Tim's eyes widened a little frantically as he finally picked up on who she was talking with. She gave him a soothing smile, reaching out to take his hand, thumb rubbing slow circles across the back of it.

"Oh, come on, Jen, I can cook. Better than you, even."

"_Alright, fine. We'll be over around 7."

* * *

_

"Remind me why we're eating with Director Shepard and Gibbs for dinner again?" Tim hefted the bags of groceries in his arms a little higher as he waited for A.J. to unlock the door to her flat.

"Because Jenny and I have a long-standing Valentine's tradition and I like embarrassing the hell out of her. If we invite them over for dinner, then I have the perfect opportunity to tell horrific childhood stories in front of Gibbs."

He nodded slowly after a moment, following her inside and dumping his bags on the kitchen counter. "But can't she do the same to you?"

She paused halfway through slipping the bottle of wine into the rack. "Dammit. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you were too busy thinking of how much time we have before they get here?" He grinned, waggling his eyebrows obscenely.

A.J. set the bottle down, walking towards him slowly. "I like the way you think, mister."

* * *

"She's still not answering her cell." Jenny closed her phone with a click, glancing back at her lover worriedly.

Jethro shrugged, unconcerned. "Probably can't hear it. The doorman said they're here, I'm sure everything's fine."

She frowned at him, slipping into the elevator and pressing the correct button. "Still, though, she always answers her phone. Maybe she forgot?"

"Doubt it." He leaned back against the wall of the elevator, impressed. "Nice digs, for a spook."

"You're sure the doorman said they're here?"

He rolled his eyes and pushed off the wall as the elevator came to a stop on the ninth floor. "_Yes_, Jen, I'm sure."

Jenny sighed, walking down to number 909. She hesitated, glancing back until Jethro groaned under his breath and leaned around her to try the knob.

"Door's unlocked, Jen."

He stepped back, letting her precede him into the apartment, following through into the kitchen.

Jenny stopped dead halfway to the living room, green eyes focused on a crumpled pile of fabric in front of her. "Is that a shirt on the floor?"

"Uh huh."

"Right." She cleared her throat, raising her voice enough to project into the next room. "A.J.?"

The sounds of muffled scrambling issued from the adjoining living room, A.J. appearing at the doorway seconds later, buttoning up an overlarge men's dress shirt that looked a lot like the one Tim McGee had worn to the office earlier over her black tank top. "Hiya."

A shirtless Tim slipped behind her, heading for the hallway that presumably led to her bedroom, neck and ears flushed red.

"Hey. Are we early?"

The blonde bent, swiping the discarded shirt off of the floor and balling it up to fling down the hall towards her room."Nope. Just lost track of time. Shall I give you the tour?"

Jethro recovered himself first, setting a gentle hand at the small of Jenny's back. "Sure. Nice place you've got here."

She grinned as she led them into the living room. "Yeah, it's a pretty nice place, huh?" She moved over to the couch, spreading out a throw blanket across it that had been piled on the floor. "They really did a great job fixing it up after the murder suicide a few months ago."

Gibbs frowned, glancing over at Jenny, his eyebrows taking near-permanent residence up by his hairline.

She smiled gently, nodding. "…Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that, Jethro. A.J. got this place because the Senator who owned it before went mental and killed his lover, then jumped off the balcony."

A.J. snickered at the horrified look on his face, walking over to pat his shoulder lightly. "Okay, I'm impressed you saw through my little joke, Jen, but _playing along_? That's just cold."

The redhead laughed, leaning up to kiss his cheek, patting his face patronizingly. "Only because he's so easy to fool."

A.J. rolled her eyes, giving them both a distasteful look. "Okay, okay, enough cutesey kissing and flirting, Red. Dinner's on."

"Um, I think you mean dinner's off, seeing as you were a little distracted with your living room show."

She let the taunt roll off her shoulders easily, smirking as she headed for the kitchen. "Ah, but I was smart enough to order dinner and have it delivered in…now." She tilted her head to the side as the doorbell rang. "See? Dinnertime."

Tim appeared from the front hallway, bags of take-out in his hands. "I think that delivery boy was disappointed you didn't answer." The earlier flush of embarrassment is gone as he sidled past the three of them to deposit the bags on the table.

"Wait, the cute one with the lip ring?"

He rolled his eyes, grinning faintly. "Uh huh."

A.J. shrugged, a slow grin spreading across her face as she pushed Gibbs and Jenny towards the table. "He's just disappointed I didn't answer the door in your shirt like I did last time."

McGee didn't look up from dishing the Chinese out onto plates, discarding the empty containers in the bag. "Thought it was a towel."

"Was it? I thought that was the time before last."

"Well, whatever it was, he sure was disappointed I answered the door." Tim glanced up, flashing a brief smirk at his girlfriend. "We breaking out that wine, or something lighter?"

Jenny sank down into the chair Jethro pulled out for her, hitching one shoulder up in a shrug. "Don't open a new bottle on my account, beer is fine."

"I'll have a beer." Jethro sat in the chair next to her, still glancing around the apartment warily as if he expected ghosts to come wailing out of the walls.

"Beer it is, then." Tim disappeared into the kitchen as A.J. took her seat across from her sister, returning with four bottles and a bottle-opener in his hands.

* * *

"You walked in on Dir—uh, Jenny having sex?"

Three more beers each later, they all sat on A.J.'s sectional couch, A.J. sprawled across Tim's torso, while Jenny lay with her head in Jethro's lap.

A.J. smirked, lolling her head to the side on his shoulder to better view her sister's supreme embarrassment. "I was, what…five and a half?"

Jenny didn't answer, rolling so her face was pressed firmly into Gibbs' abdomen, face blushed as red as her hair.

"Well, since _she's_ in no position to tell…I was bored, and figured I'd go bother my goody-two-shoes high school junior age sister. Dad had taken away my amateur chemistry set, so I had nothing to maim, disfigure, or otherwise destroy. I went down the hall, and lo and behold, I find my sister wrapped around the star quarterback. And by wrapped, I do mean wrapped. It was like watching Anaconda…just, you know, with scrawny high schoolers."

Jenny muffled a wail and reached out, flinging the closest thing within reach in A.J.'s direction.

"Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me!" The blonde snickered, giving Gibbs a leering look. "Or maybe you oughta kiss your devil dog over there. He's looking a little neglected."

Fire red, glaring furiously, Jenny finally sat up, firm scowl twisting her mouth. "Don't make me tell Tim about sophomore year at Notre Dame."

She paused mid-snicker, eyes widening. "You wouldn't."

"Would."

"Would _not._"

Jenny smiled dangerously, turning her gaze to the tech agent. "Tim, did A.J. tell you about her hockey playing?"

McGee frowned, shaking his head. "Hockey?"

A.J. groaned. "I hate you."

"Love you too. From the start of sophomore year until the end of the following semester, A.J. dated every guy on the Fighting Irish hockey team, except for what, three?"

"You are such an ass. I didn't date _every_one."

"So how many did you date?" Gibbs spoke up, the slightest of grins hovering around the edges of his mouth.

Her shoulders slumped. "Six."

"Out of how many?"

"Ten."

Jenny sat back, satisfied. "I thought as much."

A.J. muttered something extremely uncomplimentary under her breath, scowling.

"Sorry, what was that?"

Gibbs chuckled. "You don't wanna know."

A.J. glanced back up, intrigued. "You heard that?"

"_Da_."

"Aaaaaah, Russki?"

He grunted and nodded.

"Very nice. Yet another language I can hold over her head."

"Oh, shut up."

"You're just jealous that I learned them easier than you did."

Jenny groaned again. "Only subject in school you ever did better in than I did."

"I was—hell, am _so_ much better at Chemistry than you ever were."

"I never took Chemistry."

"Thought you did…oh, wait, that was _cooking_, which you _failed_."

She blushed furiously. "It was an elective, and my senior year! I had reason to slack off."

"Or you just suck at cooking."

* * *

Tony DiNozzo stomped into the bullpen late the next morning, looking harassed and tired as he slumped into his chair.

"Di-NOSE-o!" A.J. Shepard's voice rang out from McGee's desk, teasing. "I was wondering when you'd get in. Or, uh, _off_."

Tony grumbled under his breath, glancing over at her with a baleful glare. "What are you doing here?"

"She just came to visit." McGee leaned back, propping his feet up on the edge of the desk. "Have a nice Valentine's, Tony?"

"Oooh, yes, let us hear about your big date." Ziva David leaned in from across the bullpen, resting her chin on raised hands. "Did she, ah, knock your socks off?"

"No." He ducked his head, glaring at his computer. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Tony DiNozzo doesn't wanna talk about his latest date?" Tim acted appropriately shocked, putting a hand to his chest. "Hey, A.J., did you see any flying pigs this morning?"

"Nope…" The blonde narrowed her eyes. "Maybe he realized there was something wrong on his date."

"Or she may have stood him up."

"No, hey, wait! No date of Tony DiNozzo's would ever sink so low as to stand him up, would she?"

"Who says it was a she?" A.J. snickered and sang 'Dude Looks Like a Lady' under her breath.

McGee grinned. "That what happened, Tony? You find out you were tonguing another guy dressed as a girl?"

"Thought you went to counseling for that, DiNozzo." Gibbs swept by with two cups of coffee, followed by Jenny a moment later.

A.J. eyed them both for a minute before continuing. "Did her husband find out, Tony?"

Ziva chipped in next. "Maybe he got to the restaurant and saw she had another date."

Tony's fist clenched on the desk momentarily, then relaxed as he continued ignoring his co-workers.

"What if he didn't _have_ a date?" Jenny hitched a hip up on the edge of Gibbs' desk, coffee in hand.

Her sister tilted her head to the side, considering. "What, you mean like an appointment with Rosie Palm and her five daughters?"

Tim choked on a sip of his coffee, ears red.

"I do not understand. Who is Rosie Palm?" Ziva looked over at the Shepard sisters, confused. "McGee?"

"Oh. Uh, you know. It's a euphemism. You know…like, polishing your sword?"

"Tony has a sword?"

Jenny muffled a snort of laughter in her coffee cup.

"No, no, no. Ever heard of the one-man show?" A.J. pressed on with Ziva's blank look. "Backstroke roulette? Tim, help me out here."

"Uh…the Han Solo? Igniting the lightsaber? Um…assault on a friendly witness?"

"Bah, those are boring. Five against one? Manual override?"

"Don't forget cleaning your rifle." Gibbs' dry contribution was the breaking point that finally made Jenny lose the handle on her laughter.

A.J. and Tim were grinning full force now, throwing answers back and forth.

"Pocket Pool."

"Shaking hands with the unemployed."

"Crowning the king."

"Roping the pony."

"The Five Knuckle Shuffle."

Gibbs leaned back with his hands laced behind his head, a smirk twisting his lips. "Firing off a round."

A.J. snorted. "Closet Frisbee."

"Downloading from your own website."

"Electing the president." Jenny finally managed to get a hold of her laughs, smirking in tandem with Gibbs.

"Oooh, nice one. A Flute Solo."

"Debugging your hard drive."

Ziva still looked utterly mystified. "I was unaware Tony knew how to operate a computer, let alone de-bug it."

A.J. grinned. "Collecting a specimen, Ziva."

Realization dawned in the Israeli's eyes. "Oh! You mean whacking off, yes?"

"Yes! Finally!" A.J. threw her hands up, thankful. "Thank god, I was running out of good ones."

"You know, DiNozzo still hasn't answered." Jenny raised her voice slightly, an amused glint in her eye as all gazes focused on the Italian.

"So, what happened, DiNutso?" A.J. leaned forward, taunting him teasingly. "Play a little Uno last night?"

"No, I didn't, thank you very much." Tony glared over at her, drumming his fingers on his desk. "I said I didn't want to talk about it."

Ziva clucked her tongue sympathetically, standing from her desk and moving over to his, adding an extra sway to her hips. "Aww, Tony, we were only pulling your chain, yes? It was all in good fun." She slipped a few papers aside and sat on his desk, leaning in close. "What went wrong with your date, Tony?"

Tony sighed, ducking his head and muttering under his breath. "Myblinddateturnedouttobeaguy."

"Sorry, what was that? Didn't quite catch that, Dinozzo." A.J. grinned mischievously, grey eyes flashing with amusement.

He sighed, his shoulders slumping. "Alright, alright, fine. You wanna know? One of my supposed frat brothers set me up on a blind date."

"That doesn't sound so bad. What was wrong with her, Tony? Too nerdy? Refused sex on the first date? Carpet didn't match her drapes?"

Gibbs and Jenny both choked on their coffee as A.J.'s mouth widened in a wicked grin, waggling her eyebrows obscenely.

"No. My 'date' was a twenty-two year old drag queen whose stage name is 'Princess'. _He_ was paid by my supposed brother to, and I quote, 'show Little Tony a good time'."

The bullpen was silent for a long moment, until Ziva started laughing. A.J. went next, tears streaming down her face as she tried not to fall off the edge of Tim's desk. McGee followed pretty closely after the spook, gasping for breath in between howls of laughter. Jenny lost her precarious perch on the edge of Gibbs' desk, sitting down hard on the floor and leaning back against the front of his desk as she giggled. Gibbs himself allowed a rare show of full on gut busting laughter, eyes crinkling at the corners with amusement.

The laughter calmed after a long couple of minutes, A.J. and Gibbs being the first to calm down.

"Oh…oh man, I haven't laughed that hard since Jenny fell on her ass slipping on the steps I iced over outside the house when she tried to sneak out to see her boyfriend. Jesus, that was good." A.J. wiped a few stray tears away, shaking her head.

"Hold on, wait. _You_ sprayed those steps with water?"

"Er…about that…" A.J. stood very carefully from McGee's desk, moving stealthily towards the exit.

Jenny removed her heels with a deadly glint in her eye, gripping the edge of Gibbs' desk to stand up. "You're dead."

"Aaaand, that's my cue to exit stage left. Bye, Tim!" The blonde took off running, closely followed by her sister.

"Oh dear. Am I missing something?" Ducky's calm voice came from the back of the bullpen.

A muffled crash echoed from the hallway near Legal, followed by a pained shout from A.J.

"Ow, son of a bitch! Why do you always go for the shins?"

Three muffled snorts and an outright chuckle from Gibbs as they all looked up at the Medical Examiner, grinning.

"It's a long story, Duck."

* * *

**_A/n: Um..._**

**_Happy belated Valentine's Day?_**

**_Yeah, don't ask. _**

**_reviews are lovely, and I like them. :D_**

**_-meg_**


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